Anxiety

I’ve been meaning to be more open about my anxiety for a long time, but to date I’ve only told a single colleague, so here goes… I don’t find it difficult to talk about once I get started, but I find there’s an initial hurdle to exposing that vulnerability – mainly because it’s something that makes no sense and can occur at any time without any discernable cause, even when the conscious part of my mind knows that there’s no reason to feel nervous.

Any situation can do it – perhaps the big meeting is more likely to trigger anxiety, but it can just as easily pop up if I’m on the train or at the cinema. I usually notice a detail that could make somebody uneasy (meeting nerves, a crowded carriage, or a gory scene) and worry about fainting or throwing up. Worrying about that puts me further on edge, and the thing becomes a vicious cycle that can leave me shaking or excusing myself. Luckily, I’m yet to pass out or vomit as a result, which is a detail I cling to during these episodes.

I recently wrote about 12 Rules for Life by Jordan B Peterson – a book that really helped me put this in perspective. Not only did the author’s theory of chaos and order push me to come to terms with my inability to control every situation, but Peterson’s explanation of anxiety helped me to identify that it was this spiralling pattern of thoughts that caused most of the issues. Both of these insights have become invaluable mechanisms to help me to stop potential anxiety attacks almost before they have even started – and they’ve left me determined not to back off and avoid situations that can trigger my anxiety.

Life isn’t perfect and anxiety still affects me from time to time, but I’m very thankful to Peterson for his inspiring words. This has made it all the sadder to hear that he checked himself into rehab this week after struggling to come off addictive anti-anxiety medication he was prescribed following his wife’s terminal cancer diagnosis. I wish him all the best in his recovery, and hope anybody else grappling with anxiety can find as much support as I did in his book, which may just have altered the course of my life for the better.